Tuesday, August 10, 2004
I love my baby sister. Well, she’s not really a baby anymore – she’s 15, but I still call her that.
On June 22nd, 1989 @ 1:58 pm, Natalie Ann was born. Thirty minutes later, I was holding her. She was the cutest little baby I’ve ever seen besides my other sister, Janelle. Anyway … my sister Natalie is obviously the baby of the three of us and with six years between each other, we all are pretty different.
First off, we have me … Allen, the 27 yr old gay guy. Out of all the stoic Germanic Norwegians in the household, I’m the emotional one. I need to feel!!
Next, we have Janelle, the 21 yr old. Let’s call the white trash version of Carrie Bradshaw … Sex & South Dakota.
Finally, we have Natalie and she is 15 yrs old. I bet you think she is sneaking around with boys, passing notes in class and just being a girl. Actually, she is a bit different. Natalie loves to go hunting with our Dad; plays golf; loves to go to church and takes nature walks in and around the farm. Yet, she still talks about boys and she takes everything to heart. Kinda like her big brother.
Natalie is sweetest, most good natured and kind hearted girl you’ll ever meet – almost to a fault. Even her minister says she is a bit naïve. A couple years ago, I took her, my Mom and my Grandma Steffen to Rainbow Road to see where I work part time. They met my boss and the other guys that worked there. All of them loved the store; however, for the rest of the day, Natalie was silent. I’ve been dying to tell her I am gay, but I am still the same big brother who will still protect her. It seemed as if she figured out that Allen working at a gay store means that Allen is gay. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. To this day, she asks me if I have a girlfriend and why I am not married. I guess I will come out and tell her directly.
"Natalie, you know how much you like Justin Timberlake and you want to marry him? Guess what?? SO DO I!!"
I love Natalie with all my heart and I don’t want to see her get hurt. Ever. Maybe she will and maybe she won’t and live in ignorant bliss. Who knows? All I know is this … I still love her as much as the day she was born. And no matter how upset she gets with me for calling her this, she is my baby sister.
On June 22nd, 1989 @ 1:58 pm, Natalie Ann was born. Thirty minutes later, I was holding her. She was the cutest little baby I’ve ever seen besides my other sister, Janelle. Anyway … my sister Natalie is obviously the baby of the three of us and with six years between each other, we all are pretty different.
First off, we have me … Allen, the 27 yr old gay guy. Out of all the stoic Germanic Norwegians in the household, I’m the emotional one. I need to feel!!
Next, we have Janelle, the 21 yr old. Let’s call the white trash version of Carrie Bradshaw … Sex & South Dakota.
Finally, we have Natalie and she is 15 yrs old. I bet you think she is sneaking around with boys, passing notes in class and just being a girl. Actually, she is a bit different. Natalie loves to go hunting with our Dad; plays golf; loves to go to church and takes nature walks in and around the farm. Yet, she still talks about boys and she takes everything to heart. Kinda like her big brother.
Natalie is sweetest, most good natured and kind hearted girl you’ll ever meet – almost to a fault. Even her minister says she is a bit naïve. A couple years ago, I took her, my Mom and my Grandma Steffen to Rainbow Road to see where I work part time. They met my boss and the other guys that worked there. All of them loved the store; however, for the rest of the day, Natalie was silent. I’ve been dying to tell her I am gay, but I am still the same big brother who will still protect her. It seemed as if she figured out that Allen working at a gay store means that Allen is gay. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. To this day, she asks me if I have a girlfriend and why I am not married. I guess I will come out and tell her directly.
"Natalie, you know how much you like Justin Timberlake and you want to marry him? Guess what?? SO DO I!!"
I love Natalie with all my heart and I don’t want to see her get hurt. Ever. Maybe she will and maybe she won’t and live in ignorant bliss. Who knows? All I know is this … I still love her as much as the day she was born. And no matter how upset she gets with me for calling her this, she is my baby sister.
Monday, August 09, 2004
You can tell that my sister and I are related. She has guy problems. (I wish she aimed higher – they are a bit white trashy, but I have to say the guys she does go out with are attractive.)
One guy only acknowledges her when he is in the same town as her.
Another guy, who has a girlfriend, wants to date her and professed his love to her … in a drunken stupor.
The final guy is her one true love … who cheated on her with her best friend.
Janelle did tell me who she should go out with. I told her to choose D – none of the above. I thought I dated some “winners,” but I digress.
Welcome to dating in small town South Dakota. Please fasten all seatbelts in your rusted out 1986 Chevy Celebrity and enjoy your ride.
The guy w/ the girlfriend and her went out drinking one night after their night shift around 3 am. They grabbed breakfast @ 6 am and noticed that one of the bars in my hometown opens @ 7 am. So, they went to the bar @ 7 am and did not leave the bar until 5 pm. That’s right. My sis DRANK from 7 am to 5 pm with the guy who has a girlfriend. Shots, beers, Morgan Cokes – just hearing of what she drank started to give me a headache … it could be my cold, I don’t know.
Granted I know she is 21 and I did cause my fair share of trouble then, but I knew, at the time, it would end. Most of my partying in my late 20s is strikingly different than what it is in my early 20s. I don’t like to get drunk for the sake of getting drunk. I hate waking up after a drinking binge, throbbing headache, queasy stomach and you look like a few decades older than you did night before. Also, if you hook up with someone on your drinking binge and you wake up next to him (or her), they don’t look like ANYTHING you remember the night prior. Sometimes they look like a cross between the Wicked Witch of the West and Walter Cronkite.
It’s different now. I’d rather have a drink or two and enjoy my time when I go out. I also want to remember what the person looks like if I do pick anyone up at a bar for a one night fling. I do know I cannot have a 10 hour drinking binge without any food. I would like to think I am older and wiser and a bit more attractive, but that is in the eye of the beholder.
I do hope that one day my sister will “grow out”, per se, out her drinking binge phase. She is starting to notice that the more she drinks, the more she gains weight. Oops. However, a workout program is far beyond her scope at the moment.
As for her dating skills, I could judge her, but looking at what I’ve dated in the past, she is doing better than me. The bitch.
One guy only acknowledges her when he is in the same town as her.
Another guy, who has a girlfriend, wants to date her and professed his love to her … in a drunken stupor.
The final guy is her one true love … who cheated on her with her best friend.
Janelle did tell me who she should go out with. I told her to choose D – none of the above. I thought I dated some “winners,” but I digress.
Welcome to dating in small town South Dakota. Please fasten all seatbelts in your rusted out 1986 Chevy Celebrity and enjoy your ride.
The guy w/ the girlfriend and her went out drinking one night after their night shift around 3 am. They grabbed breakfast @ 6 am and noticed that one of the bars in my hometown opens @ 7 am. So, they went to the bar @ 7 am and did not leave the bar until 5 pm. That’s right. My sis DRANK from 7 am to 5 pm with the guy who has a girlfriend. Shots, beers, Morgan Cokes – just hearing of what she drank started to give me a headache … it could be my cold, I don’t know.
Granted I know she is 21 and I did cause my fair share of trouble then, but I knew, at the time, it would end. Most of my partying in my late 20s is strikingly different than what it is in my early 20s. I don’t like to get drunk for the sake of getting drunk. I hate waking up after a drinking binge, throbbing headache, queasy stomach and you look like a few decades older than you did night before. Also, if you hook up with someone on your drinking binge and you wake up next to him (or her), they don’t look like ANYTHING you remember the night prior. Sometimes they look like a cross between the Wicked Witch of the West and Walter Cronkite.
It’s different now. I’d rather have a drink or two and enjoy my time when I go out. I also want to remember what the person looks like if I do pick anyone up at a bar for a one night fling. I do know I cannot have a 10 hour drinking binge without any food. I would like to think I am older and wiser and a bit more attractive, but that is in the eye of the beholder.
I do hope that one day my sister will “grow out”, per se, out her drinking binge phase. She is starting to notice that the more she drinks, the more she gains weight. Oops. However, a workout program is far beyond her scope at the moment.
As for her dating skills, I could judge her, but looking at what I’ve dated in the past, she is doing better than me. The bitch.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Well, here I am ... blogging at the Saloon. A lot has happened since I was last on here. Mat (pseudo-boyfriend) and I are talking again. He is a mess and I feel bad for him. You know, I can honestly say I am still in love with him, but he has some issues he really needs to work on that I am unable to help him. I've never heard him this depressed before. Actually, it is good to know other people cannot get ahold of him either.
He told me he would like one night to go to a movie or have a drink without people asking about what happened to him. I've been trying to do that to him since Febrauary.
Okay, bloggin at a bar is not that much fun, so I will wrap it up for the time being. Talk to you later.
He told me he would like one night to go to a movie or have a drink without people asking about what happened to him. I've been trying to do that to him since Febrauary.
Okay, bloggin at a bar is not that much fun, so I will wrap it up for the time being. Talk to you later.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Well, I am sorry I haven't posted for awhile and I do apologize for what I last wrote. Anyway ...
I had a great session in therapy last night. So, I've been wanting to work on my low self esteem. My therapist thinks it's much deeper than that. She told me it's my self-worth since I have mentioned many times is it worth it even to exist? I'm not thinking about suicide at all, but I feel like is it really worth it for me to be alive? So, we talked about me growing up. I talked about how I use to show affection all the time as a pipsqueak - hugs and kisses. However, it was quelched by my Dad when he told me at four, Boys don't kiss other guys. I always gave my great-uncle a kiss on the cheek and I was about to with Dad. He was really upset when he told me too. So, I stopped. I talked about getting harassed at school CONSTANTLY and that I got really depressed in 7th Grade. My best friend dumped me since his Mom found me weird. My grades were failing and my Mom blamed it on me reading mystery novels. She didn't know that I was having crushes on the boys in my class and my science teacher. I talked to the school counselor about how I felt and I cried so hard that day.
How can I tell someone that what you see on TV as a little boy that if you get crushes on guys, you will get AIDS and die? That was the message I got when I was little from TV and I prayed many nights that I could get crushes on girls. Never happened. So, I kept it to myself.
Growing up, I was taunted and tormented on a daily basis and called, fag or faggot or fairy. I wondered what did they see that I did not. I excelled in school and joined many groups and excelled into academic activities, but I just didn't fit in. I was different.
So, who knew that little things have affected me today in my life. Losing my best friend, forced to go to school close to home, told growing up I was a fag ... it really made a difference.
My friends tell me I am a good person, but it's only temporary. I - Allen have to learn to feel and not let these unnecessary, yet strong comments told to me growing up not to bother me anymore.
So, it's not really an issue w/ Psuedo-boyfriend. It's not an issue w/ school nor my family nor my friends. It's something I have to work on my own. And it's scary! I really don't want to dig up the past to make me feel better for my future. There are things hidden in my past I want left hidden. I guess they have to come out and I have to face it.
I really do miss Psuedo-boyfriend. He is dealing with his issues right now and it sucks because I've gone almost through the exact same thing. However, he deals with it alone and without help, except his therapist. Me ... I need to talk things through with someone there. Non-biased judgement.
So, I do feel better and I am starting to come around and I am happy I've pegged the issue. Hopefully, I can unlearn some behavorial crap that's been with me since I was a little boy. Then, I know, I can move forward. :)
I had a great session in therapy last night. So, I've been wanting to work on my low self esteem. My therapist thinks it's much deeper than that. She told me it's my self-worth since I have mentioned many times is it worth it even to exist? I'm not thinking about suicide at all, but I feel like is it really worth it for me to be alive? So, we talked about me growing up. I talked about how I use to show affection all the time as a pipsqueak - hugs and kisses. However, it was quelched by my Dad when he told me at four, Boys don't kiss other guys. I always gave my great-uncle a kiss on the cheek and I was about to with Dad. He was really upset when he told me too. So, I stopped. I talked about getting harassed at school CONSTANTLY and that I got really depressed in 7th Grade. My best friend dumped me since his Mom found me weird. My grades were failing and my Mom blamed it on me reading mystery novels. She didn't know that I was having crushes on the boys in my class and my science teacher. I talked to the school counselor about how I felt and I cried so hard that day.
How can I tell someone that what you see on TV as a little boy that if you get crushes on guys, you will get AIDS and die? That was the message I got when I was little from TV and I prayed many nights that I could get crushes on girls. Never happened. So, I kept it to myself.
Growing up, I was taunted and tormented on a daily basis and called, fag or faggot or fairy. I wondered what did they see that I did not. I excelled in school and joined many groups and excelled into academic activities, but I just didn't fit in. I was different.
So, who knew that little things have affected me today in my life. Losing my best friend, forced to go to school close to home, told growing up I was a fag ... it really made a difference.
My friends tell me I am a good person, but it's only temporary. I - Allen have to learn to feel and not let these unnecessary, yet strong comments told to me growing up not to bother me anymore.
So, it's not really an issue w/ Psuedo-boyfriend. It's not an issue w/ school nor my family nor my friends. It's something I have to work on my own. And it's scary! I really don't want to dig up the past to make me feel better for my future. There are things hidden in my past I want left hidden. I guess they have to come out and I have to face it.
I really do miss Psuedo-boyfriend. He is dealing with his issues right now and it sucks because I've gone almost through the exact same thing. However, he deals with it alone and without help, except his therapist. Me ... I need to talk things through with someone there. Non-biased judgement.
So, I do feel better and I am starting to come around and I am happy I've pegged the issue. Hopefully, I can unlearn some behavorial crap that's been with me since I was a little boy. Then, I know, I can move forward. :)
Friday, April 23, 2004
I miss him. I miss hearing him tell me he loves me. I miss having a friend tell me I will be okay. I miss having a hug. Will we ever be friends again? My heart hurts more and more. I know he needs his space, but knowing that he is there for me here in Minneapolis, makes living here more bearable.
I better head home now. :(
I better head home now. :(
So, yeah, I was alone for my birthday and it did suck. I guess I really just don't want to be alone right now. I'm going through all these changes (all good!) and I have no support here. Psuedo-boyfriend is dealing with his drama right now and wants to be left alone.
Okay, why is it when someone says they will be there for you and when you really need them, they're gone? Why is that? It's not fair at all. So, I'm giving him space. There are days where I need someone here to talk to besides my therapist. Just a friend here. Someone asked me, last night, who is my best friend in Minneapolis.
That's easy.
No one. :(
I've tried everything in the book to make friends here and you know what? It is so fucking difficult. I feel that I am back in high school with some of these people. I'm 27, not 17 anymore! I thought cliques disappeared after you graduate from high school. I guess I was wrong.
Why is it that you hurt the people you love? You know how hard it is for me to forgive Psuedo-boyfriend for cheating on me. And now, he's upset with me because I want to help him with his court issue. I don't understand.
Yesterday, I felt worthless. Do I deserve to be alive? Why is it that I am the problem for some people's issues? Why does my heart hurt when think about someone I love that's in pain? Why me?
However, I am trying to be upbeat. My workouts have improved immensely since the bus strike and my body has changed drastically too. It's giving me more of a focus in my life and to focus on me for a bit. I want to improve and keep gaining. I want to be huge and ripped out. Working out is making me question whether or not I should go back to school. Every minute that passes, signs point to yes.
This weekend will be a quiet one ... mostly a lonely one. I'll work at Rainbow Road and then I may go out that night. Who knows? I really don't. I hope I can have some fun in the end and dance. I want to forget my troubles for a couples hours in the beat of the sound. :)
Okay, why is it when someone says they will be there for you and when you really need them, they're gone? Why is that? It's not fair at all. So, I'm giving him space. There are days where I need someone here to talk to besides my therapist. Just a friend here. Someone asked me, last night, who is my best friend in Minneapolis.
That's easy.
No one. :(
I've tried everything in the book to make friends here and you know what? It is so fucking difficult. I feel that I am back in high school with some of these people. I'm 27, not 17 anymore! I thought cliques disappeared after you graduate from high school. I guess I was wrong.
Why is it that you hurt the people you love? You know how hard it is for me to forgive Psuedo-boyfriend for cheating on me. And now, he's upset with me because I want to help him with his court issue. I don't understand.
Yesterday, I felt worthless. Do I deserve to be alive? Why is it that I am the problem for some people's issues? Why does my heart hurt when think about someone I love that's in pain? Why me?
However, I am trying to be upbeat. My workouts have improved immensely since the bus strike and my body has changed drastically too. It's giving me more of a focus in my life and to focus on me for a bit. I want to improve and keep gaining. I want to be huge and ripped out. Working out is making me question whether or not I should go back to school. Every minute that passes, signs point to yes.
This weekend will be a quiet one ... mostly a lonely one. I'll work at Rainbow Road and then I may go out that night. Who knows? I really don't. I hope I can have some fun in the end and dance. I want to forget my troubles for a couples hours in the beat of the sound. :)
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Here's what happened on my birthday. I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but I was out ill yesterday. I saw colors I didn't know that could come out of me. Anyway, here is my abbreviated story about my birthday.
Well, I did leave work early on Monday for my birthday. A friend of mine did e-mail me prior and said to get some coffee after work. I emailed him back and said to call me after 6:30 since I was at the gym. I finished early and gave my friend a call.
Voicemail. So, I left one. I called 30 minutes later. Voicemail. Another message. I tried 45 minutes later and big surprise ... voicemail. I was already at the destination I wanted to be at, so I was not waiting for my friend at all. So, I went to a store and bought a T-shirt. I went to another store and bought a used CD. I had a glass of Merlot - alone. And then I ate some pizza at my favorite pizzeria which made me sick the next day.
It sucked I was alone. I did have a couple I know give me a call to say they wished they were there wi/ me, but both had to travel for their respective jobs. My Mom called me, but I let it go to voicemail.
I really thought about what I need to do to change things in my life. I have to. This isn't what I wanted @ 27 years old. There's got to be more to life than chasing that temporary high.
I'm not talking to Psuedo-boyfriend for awhile. He's completely stressed out and he needs his space. He snapped at me when he was heading to his drug counselor. So, I'll talk to him next week. This is his issue he dragged me in, not mine.
Well, I did leave work early on Monday for my birthday. A friend of mine did e-mail me prior and said to get some coffee after work. I emailed him back and said to call me after 6:30 since I was at the gym. I finished early and gave my friend a call.
Voicemail. So, I left one. I called 30 minutes later. Voicemail. Another message. I tried 45 minutes later and big surprise ... voicemail. I was already at the destination I wanted to be at, so I was not waiting for my friend at all. So, I went to a store and bought a T-shirt. I went to another store and bought a used CD. I had a glass of Merlot - alone. And then I ate some pizza at my favorite pizzeria which made me sick the next day.
It sucked I was alone. I did have a couple I know give me a call to say they wished they were there wi/ me, but both had to travel for their respective jobs. My Mom called me, but I let it go to voicemail.
I really thought about what I need to do to change things in my life. I have to. This isn't what I wanted @ 27 years old. There's got to be more to life than chasing that temporary high.
I'm not talking to Psuedo-boyfriend for awhile. He's completely stressed out and he needs his space. He snapped at me when he was heading to his drug counselor. So, I'll talk to him next week. This is his issue he dragged me in, not mine.
Monday, April 19, 2004
Today is my birthday. I am now 27 years old.
Psuedo-boyfriend is in his home state for his court date. From what he was telling me, everything will be fine. He also told me he will be going to therapy and talk about his issues. Thank God! So, in a way, he listened to me!! :)
I did ask many guys to have a drink with me for my birthday and I did ask in advance, however, no one replied. I expected it. Anyway, I think I'll have some Spring Cleaning to do in the friends department as well.
OKay, I am off to the gym. Yes, it is a very short post, but tomorrow it will be much longer.
Trust me. :)
Psuedo-boyfriend is in his home state for his court date. From what he was telling me, everything will be fine. He also told me he will be going to therapy and talk about his issues. Thank God! So, in a way, he listened to me!! :)
I did ask many guys to have a drink with me for my birthday and I did ask in advance, however, no one replied. I expected it. Anyway, I think I'll have some Spring Cleaning to do in the friends department as well.
OKay, I am off to the gym. Yes, it is a very short post, but tomorrow it will be much longer.
Trust me. :)
