All of me ...

2004-08-10T11:11:00.000-05:00

I love my baby sister. Well, she’s not really a baby anymore – she’s 15, but I still call her that.

On June 22nd, 1989 @ 1:58 pm, Natalie Ann was born. Thirty minutes later, I was holding her. She was the cutest little baby I’ve ever seen besides my other sister, Janelle. Anyway … my sister Natalie is obviously the baby of the three of us and with six years between each other, we all are pretty different.

First off, we have me … Allen, the 27 yr old gay guy. Out of all the stoic Germanic Norwegians in the household, I’m the emotional one. I need to feel!!

Next, we have Janelle, the 21 yr old. Let’s call the white trash version of Carrie Bradshaw … Sex & South Dakota.

Finally, we have Natalie and she is 15 yrs old. I bet you think she is sneaking around with boys, passing notes in class and just being a girl. Actually, she is a bit different. Natalie loves to go hunting with our Dad; plays golf; loves to go to church and takes nature walks in and around the farm. Yet, she still talks about boys and she takes everything to heart. Kinda like her big brother.

Natalie is sweetest, most good natured and kind hearted girl you’ll ever meet – almost to a fault. Even her minister says she is a bit naïve. A couple years ago, I took her, my Mom and my Grandma Steffen to Rainbow Road to see where I work part time. They met my boss and the other guys that worked there. All of them loved the store; however, for the rest of the day, Natalie was silent. I’ve been dying to tell her I am gay, but I am still the same big brother who will still protect her. It seemed as if she figured out that Allen working at a gay store means that Allen is gay. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. To this day, she asks me if I have a girlfriend and why I am not married. I guess I will come out and tell her directly.

"Natalie, you know how much you like Justin Timberlake and you want to marry him? Guess what?? SO DO I!!"

I love Natalie with all my heart and I don’t want to see her get hurt. Ever. Maybe she will and maybe she won’t and live in ignorant bliss. Who knows? All I know is this … I still love her as much as the day she was born. And no matter how upset she gets with me for calling her this, she is my baby sister.

2004-08-09T16:14:00.000-05:00

You can tell that my sister and I are related. She has guy problems. (I wish she aimed higher – they are a bit white trashy, but I have to say the guys she does go out with are attractive.)

One guy only acknowledges her when he is in the same town as her.

Another guy, who has a girlfriend, wants to date her and professed his love to her … in a drunken stupor.

The final guy is her one true love … who cheated on her with her best friend.

Janelle did tell me who she should go out with. I told her to choose D – none of the above. I thought I dated some “winners,” but I digress.

Welcome to dating in small town South Dakota. Please fasten all seatbelts in your rusted out 1986 Chevy Celebrity and enjoy your ride.

The guy w/ the girlfriend and her went out drinking one night after their night shift around 3 am. They grabbed breakfast @ 6 am and noticed that one of the bars in my hometown opens @ 7 am. So, they went to the bar @ 7 am and did not leave the bar until 5 pm. That’s right. My sis DRANK from 7 am to 5 pm with the guy who has a girlfriend. Shots, beers, Morgan Cokes – just hearing of what she drank started to give me a headache … it could be my cold, I don’t know.

Granted I know she is 21 and I did cause my fair share of trouble then, but I knew, at the time, it would end. Most of my partying in my late 20s is strikingly different than what it is in my early 20s. I don’t like to get drunk for the sake of getting drunk. I hate waking up after a drinking binge, throbbing headache, queasy stomach and you look like a few decades older than you did night before. Also, if you hook up with someone on your drinking binge and you wake up next to him (or her), they don’t look like ANYTHING you remember the night prior. Sometimes they look like a cross between the Wicked Witch of the West and Walter Cronkite.

It’s different now. I’d rather have a drink or two and enjoy my time when I go out. I also want to remember what the person looks like if I do pick anyone up at a bar for a one night fling. I do know I cannot have a 10 hour drinking binge without any food. I would like to think I am older and wiser and a bit more attractive, but that is in the eye of the beholder.

I do hope that one day my sister will “grow out”, per se, out her drinking binge phase. She is starting to notice that the more she drinks, the more she gains weight. Oops. However, a workout program is far beyond her scope at the moment.

As for her dating skills, I could judge her, but looking at what I’ve dated in the past, she is doing better than me. The bitch.

2004-05-15T23:38:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am ... blogging at the Saloon. A lot has happened since I was last on here. Mat (pseudo-boyfriend) and I are talking again. He is a mess and I feel bad for him. You know, I can honestly say I am still in love with him, but he has some issues he really needs to work on that I am unable to help him. I've never heard him this depressed before. Actually, it is good to know other people cannot get ahold of him either.

He told me he would like one night to go to a movie or have a drink without people asking about what happened to him. I've been trying to do that to him since Febrauary.

Okay, bloggin at a bar is not that much fun, so I will wrap it up for the time being. Talk to you later.

2004-04-28T16:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I am sorry I haven't posted for awhile and I do apologize for what I last wrote. Anyway ...

I had a great session in therapy last night. So, I've been wanting to work on my low self esteem. My therapist thinks it's much deeper than that. She told me it's my self-worth since I have mentioned many times is it worth it even to exist? I'm not thinking about suicide at all, but I feel like is it really worth it for me to be alive? So, we talked about me growing up. I talked about how I use to show affection all the time as a pipsqueak - hugs and kisses. However, it was quelched by my Dad when he told me at four, Boys don't kiss other guys. I always gave my great-uncle a kiss on the cheek and I was about to with Dad. He was really upset when he told me too. So, I stopped. I talked about getting harassed at school CONSTANTLY and that I got really depressed in 7th Grade. My best friend dumped me since his Mom found me weird. My grades were failing and my Mom blamed it on me reading mystery novels. She didn't know that I was having crushes on the boys in my class and my science teacher. I talked to the school counselor about how I felt and I cried so hard that day.

How can I tell someone that what you see on TV as a little boy that if you get crushes on guys, you will get AIDS and die? That was the message I got when I was little from TV and I prayed many nights that I could get crushes on girls. Never happened. So, I kept it to myself.

Growing up, I was taunted and tormented on a daily basis and called, fag or faggot or fairy. I wondered what did they see that I did not. I excelled in school and joined many groups and excelled into academic activities, but I just didn't fit in. I was different.

So, who knew that little things have affected me today in my life. Losing my best friend, forced to go to school close to home, told growing up I was a fag ... it really made a difference.

My friends tell me I am a good person, but it's only temporary. I - Allen have to learn to feel and not let these unnecessary, yet strong comments told to me growing up not to bother me anymore.

So, it's not really an issue w/ Psuedo-boyfriend. It's not an issue w/ school nor my family nor my friends. It's something I have to work on my own. And it's scary! I really don't want to dig up the past to make me feel better for my future. There are things hidden in my past I want left hidden. I guess they have to come out and I have to face it.

I really do miss Psuedo-boyfriend. He is dealing with his issues right now and it sucks because I've gone almost through the exact same thing. However, he deals with it alone and without help, except his therapist. Me ... I need to talk things through with someone there. Non-biased judgement.

So, I do feel better and I am starting to come around and I am happy I've pegged the issue. Hopefully, I can unlearn some behavorial crap that's been with me since I was a little boy. Then, I know, I can move forward. :)

2004-04-23T19:09:00.000-05:00

I miss him. I miss hearing him tell me he loves me. I miss having a friend tell me I will be okay. I miss having a hug. Will we ever be friends again? My heart hurts more and more. I know he needs his space, but knowing that he is there for me here in Minneapolis, makes living here more bearable.

I better head home now. :(

2004-04-23T15:12:00.000-05:00

So, yeah, I was alone for my birthday and it did suck. I guess I really just don't want to be alone right now. I'm going through all these changes (all good!) and I have no support here. Psuedo-boyfriend is dealing with his drama right now and wants to be left alone.

Okay, why is it when someone says they will be there for you and when you really need them, they're gone? Why is that? It's not fair at all. So, I'm giving him space. There are days where I need someone here to talk to besides my therapist. Just a friend here. Someone asked me, last night, who is my best friend in Minneapolis.

That's easy.

No one. :(

I've tried everything in the book to make friends here and you know what? It is so fucking difficult. I feel that I am back in high school with some of these people. I'm 27, not 17 anymore! I thought cliques disappeared after you graduate from high school. I guess I was wrong.

Why is it that you hurt the people you love? You know how hard it is for me to forgive Psuedo-boyfriend for cheating on me. And now, he's upset with me because I want to help him with his court issue. I don't understand.

Yesterday, I felt worthless. Do I deserve to be alive? Why is it that I am the problem for some people's issues? Why does my heart hurt when think about someone I love that's in pain? Why me?

However, I am trying to be upbeat. My workouts have improved immensely since the bus strike and my body has changed drastically too. It's giving me more of a focus in my life and to focus on me for a bit. I want to improve and keep gaining. I want to be huge and ripped out. Working out is making me question whether or not I should go back to school. Every minute that passes, signs point to yes.

This weekend will be a quiet one ... mostly a lonely one. I'll work at Rainbow Road and then I may go out that night. Who knows? I really don't. I hope I can have some fun in the end and dance. I want to forget my troubles for a couples hours in the beat of the sound. :)

2004-04-22T16:48:00.000-05:00

Here's what happened on my birthday. I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but I was out ill yesterday. I saw colors I didn't know that could come out of me. Anyway, here is my abbreviated story about my birthday.

Well, I did leave work early on Monday for my birthday. A friend of mine did e-mail me prior and said to get some coffee after work. I emailed him back and said to call me after 6:30 since I was at the gym. I finished early and gave my friend a call.

Voicemail. So, I left one. I called 30 minutes later. Voicemail. Another message. I tried 45 minutes later and big surprise ... voicemail. I was already at the destination I wanted to be at, so I was not waiting for my friend at all. So, I went to a store and bought a T-shirt. I went to another store and bought a used CD. I had a glass of Merlot - alone. And then I ate some pizza at my favorite pizzeria which made me sick the next day.

It sucked I was alone. I did have a couple I know give me a call to say they wished they were there wi/ me, but both had to travel for their respective jobs. My Mom called me, but I let it go to voicemail.

I really thought about what I need to do to change things in my life. I have to. This isn't what I wanted @ 27 years old. There's got to be more to life than chasing that temporary high.

I'm not talking to Psuedo-boyfriend for awhile. He's completely stressed out and he needs his space. He snapped at me when he was heading to his drug counselor. So, I'll talk to him next week. This is his issue he dragged me in, not mine.

2004-04-19T15:24:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. I am now 27 years old.

Psuedo-boyfriend is in his home state for his court date. From what he was telling me, everything will be fine. He also told me he will be going to therapy and talk about his issues. Thank God! So, in a way, he listened to me!! :)

I did ask many guys to have a drink with me for my birthday and I did ask in advance, however, no one replied. I expected it. Anyway, I think I'll have some Spring Cleaning to do in the friends department as well.

OKay, I am off to the gym. Yes, it is a very short post, but tomorrow it will be much longer.

Trust me. :)

2004-04-16T15:45:00.000-05:00

Well, Monday is the court date for Pseudo-boyfriend. I am scared and I know he is as well. He was supposed to call me last night and tell me what's going on. He did not. I know he was busy talking to his attorney, his parents and others. I just want to know exactly what will be happening.

Monday is also my birthday. I'll turn 27. You know, I've called and emailed people here in Minneapolis to see if they just want to have a drink with me. No one has responded. My DC friends have. Am I a bad person? I know I am not. I'm just, like I've said before, I'm a downer. I just don't want to be alone on my birthday since Pseudo-boyfriend will not be there.

I am happy about something. I have lost 12 lbs in a month. I've gained an inch in my arms and 2 inches in my chest. I also lost two inches in my waist. I also broke all of my max weights at the gym too. I am so proud of myself right now. How funny that I am down and out and yet, my physical strength is growing. Must be a sign, huh? :)

In therapy, we decided that I need long term therapy since there is something holding me back that we just barely scratched the surface. Thank God insurance can cover it.  I started talking about my Great-Grandma and the funny thing is that I still miss that old woman. My Mom worked at 3M, so my Great Grandma took care of me. So, she became my maternal figure early on. She was my second mother and when she died six years ago, I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from that. I remember walking into her apartment the day after she died. My Grandma (Great Grandma’s daughter) started to take small things out of the apartment and I wandered around. I took one thing from her apartment. For Halloween, she use to dress in a gaudy orange hat, a loud red blouse, nasty green pants and white shoes. She also wore a Groucho Marx pair of glasses. It always made me laugh as a little boy. I took that pair of plastic glasses from her place and held onto it. Her funeral was surprisingly big and I so wanted to be a pallbearer, but I was not chosen. At the cemetery, I silently cried and my Dad came over and held onto me. I didn’t want to say good-bye. I still needed her. I know she lived a long and wonderful life, but I didn’t want her to go.

I guess that Pseudo-boyfriend has given me the closest thing to the love my Great Grandma gave me. Unconditional and non judgmental. I am scared of losing this friendship like I lost my Great Grandma. After his trial, I don’t want him to go back to him keeping me at arm’s length. He did before we became intimate.

We will see what happens …

2004-04-13T11:33:00.000-05:00

I should tell you what I do for a living ... for now. I work in customer service at a law firm. People pay for this law insurance and then they call to speak to an attorney about any issue they may have. It could be benign as a parking ticket; as tragic as someone's Dad died in a hunting accident; or as bizarre as a leaky breast implant. I've been here for over a year now and I must say, it never ceases to amaze me how bizarre and lack of common sense people have in this world. Anyway, I work with an eclectic group of people. I am the only gay guy that works back here. There was, for a time, some other gay guy, but he really annoyed the Hell out of me. There's a reason why I normally do not hang out with gay guys younger than me and his narrow minded attitude sealed the deal. I do love the people I work with. I love my boss. She's great! And a worrywart like yours truly. If she has a problem with you, she will tell you. If you are doing a good job, then she won't bother you. Odd, huh? There are times I wouldn't mind having a compliment or two, but why bother? I know my job and I do it well. I just have to remember ... This is a job - not a career.

Why do I care a lot about Psuedo-boyfriend? I ask that a lot too. I guess it's because I see a lot of things I've done in my past and he is going through it right now. I am worried about him and our communication is not up to snuff like it use to since he is withholding information about his legal issue. I did the same thing. Same script ... different cast.

2004-04-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

So, my weekend was uneventful. I hated it. I wished I went to Milwaukee to check out Marquette and Atlanta and I should have been more aggressive about it, but you cannot dwell on the past.

I told you my depression is wearing people down. Psuedo-boyfriend feels worn down by me feeling down all the time. I have to realize that he is depressed because he is going to be having his court date on my birthday next Monday. I am so scared of what may turn out.

Why can't I be a cold hearted asshole like so many I know here? I worry a lot about people, even ones I hardly talk to any more.

I hate feeling sad. I do. It's a wasteful emotion. I hate making Psuedo-boyfriend hurt when he is going through his sad emotions right now. I wish he would see a therapist. Maybe even to just talk about what's going on that no one else would understand. It's helping me right now and I think medication will help me get back on track. I don't think he needs it, but I do think he needs to talk to someone.

2004-04-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

This is from Saturday, April 10th. I was unable to download this.

The end of a relationship is almost like a death. You go through a grieving process and move on. Usually you hardly ever hear from or see the person that you broke up with or vice versa. In this case with Psuedo-boyfriend, I hear from him almost every day. So, there's a new set of rules I am learning and I think, he is, as well.

He asked me what do I want in life. Well, this is what I want.

I want to go back and get my master's degree. I want a career. I want to live somewhere and feel comfortable in my surroundings and not feel that I am being emotionally and verbally attacked when I go out. I want a monogamous relationship with someone that is just as hot as me and that loves me for me and vice versa and just wants to have sex with me. Not, when he is down and out, get blown by some stranger. I want, for once, to be happy and fuck what other people think about me. I'm tired of feeling I am on this beauty pageant stage and every move and every word I say is being judged. That is not fair.

I want friends who will call me out of the blue and see if I want to hang with them, for fun and not because my heart hurts. I want a car!!

I hate feeling down and sad all the time. It sucks. I'm better than this. Why is it, in my life, I want a Lexus, but I always settle for a GODDAMN Pinto? I don't want this life anymore.

Yesterday, I felt insignificant. This couple I know dropped off a few videos for me to watch for Easter and bolted. Never asked me how I am doing. They're the same couple that invited Psuedo-boyfriend for Easter and not me. I thought I was their friend too. *sigh* Also, an ex of mine, Mr. I'm attracted to everything dropped off a book for me to read. He told me how he is doing and left. He didn't ask me how I am. I'd probably bring him down. Typical.

GOD! I cannot WAIT to see a psychiatrist and get me on medication. I really cannot stand feeling like this anymore. I am so tired of this.

I wish I had my group of friends live here. Psuedo-boyfriend says I am trying too hard. Okay, I can try too hard and not try at all and I still get nothing here. Nothing! It was so much easier in college. I do miss my college friends. They were great. There are days, I wonder, if they miss me at all. I would love to see some of them ... someday.

I better head off to home and fix my flat tire on my bike. Have a good day.

2004-04-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

The end of a relationship is almost like a death. You go through a grieving process and move on. Usually you hardly ever hear from or see the person that you broke up with or vice versa. In this case with Psuedo-boyfriend, I hear from him almost every day. So, there's a new set of rules I am learning and I think, he is, as well.

He asked me what do I want in life. Well, this is what I want.

I want to go back and get my master's degree. I want a career. I want to live somewhere and feel comfortable in my surroundings and not feel that I am being emotionally and verbally attacked when I go out. I want a monogamous relationship with someone that is just as hot as me and that loves me for me and vice versa and just wants to have sex with me. Not, when he is down and out, get blown by some stranger. I want, for once, to be happy and fuck what other people think about me. I'm tired of feeling I am on this beauty pageant stage and every move and every word I say is being judged. That is not fair.

I want friends who will call me out of the blue and see if I want to hang with them, for fun and not because my heart hurts. I want a car!!

I hate feeling down and sad all the time. It sucks. I'm better than this. Why is it, in my life, I want a Lexus, but I always settle for a GODDAMN Pinto? I don't want this life anymore.

Yesterday, I felt insignificant. This couple I know dropped off a few videos for me to watch for Easter and bolted. Never asked me how I am doing. They're the same couple that invited Psuedo-boyfriend for Easter and not me. I thought I was their friend too. *sigh* Also, an ex of mine, Mr. I'm attracted to everything dropped off a book for me to read. He told me how he is doing and left. He didn't ask me how I am. I'd probably bring him down. Typical.

GOD! I cannot WAIT to see a psychiatrist and get me on medication. I really cannot stand feeling like this anymore. I am so tired of this.

I wish I had my group of friends live here. Psuedo-boyfriend says I am trying too hard. Okay, I can try too hard and not try at all and I still get nothing here. Nothing! It was so much easier in college. I do miss my college friends. They were great. There are days, I wonder, if they miss me at all. I would love to see some of them ... someday.

I better head off to home and fix my flat tire on my bike. Have a good day.

2004-04-09T14:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I am on vacation. I was suppose to visit Milwaukee to check out a graduate school last night and Atlanta on Monday, however, the friend who said he would help me, failed. So, I am here in Minneapolis relaxing. Well, trying to.

I was suppose to have Psuedo-boyfriend pick up my W2's and do my taxes. All I need to do is pick up the forms, however, I didn't want to see him at all, so I made an excuse and he'll come over to my house on Sunday ... Easter.

Why is it so hard for me to talk to Psuedo-boyfriend? When someone screws me over, I usually trash them and forget about it. I can't with him. I just can't. Since I did the same thing to someone he did to me, I understand how he feels. I would just love to tell him, Why the fuck can't you listen to what I am saying? He does hear me, I'm afraid he just doesn't listen to me. I get that a lot.

You know I am dying to go out and go dancing. And I can't. I just cannot deal with guys coming up and say, Hey, how are Psuedo-boyfriend and you doing?

OH! You know ... it's on hiatus for now since he is going through his legal shit and I am going through my depression and we can't stand to hurt each other more and we both are totally in love with each other, but we can't be together. So! How are the kids??

There are days I wish Psuedo-boyfriend and I never hooked up. Some days, I wished I stayed my bitter, but friendly self. YOu know what? I couldn't anymore. I'm tired of being bitter and lonely and just dying for affection. By affection, I don't mean, sex from a guy, just knowing that people around you where you are care about you. I have affection from my friends in DC and LA and Tampa Atlanta and Chicago, but here, I feel empty. That's so pathetic, isn't it? It's comepletely sad. However, 99% of the time, I am glad we did hook up and became a couple. Now, we're just intimate friends. (His words, not mine.)

I hear from people that I should just drop him and move on. I am moving on, but I cannot drop him. He's been my friend for years now. That is unfair to our friendship.

You know, there is one friendship I wonder about. His name is Sean. I met him when he use to live here. I won't go into details, but he moved back to LA and then to Chicago. That's the abbreviated version of the story. Very, very, very abbreviated version of the story. Anyway, whenever I am down, he sometimes, unintentionally, makes me feel worse. Why is that? He says I fall in love with every guy I am with. Sean is wrong. Before Psuedo-boyfriend, I fell in love with Sean. I still love him, but I am not in love with him. Big difference. Anyway, there are times I want him to call me and he tells me he cannot since it costs a lot and he is back in school. He's 32 and still trying to finish his bachelor's degree. Whereas I have a bachelor's degree and I want to get my master's. I am still 26. For God's sake, he can have one less drink and buy a phone card and call me! Damnit! I'm worth it! I'm fearing that I may have to let this friendship go if things don't change between us.

My time is running out on here. I'm at Kinko's typing since I don't have a computer yet. I'm suppose to get Psuedo-boyfriend's since he bought a brand new G4 from Apple. We'll see if he remembers or not.

Talk to you on Easter.

Allen

2004-04-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

Today is a new day. :)

I did see my therapist last night after work. We agreed that I would see a psychiatrist and get some medication so I can get on the right track and start feeling good about myself. I am so tired of bringing everyone I love down with me. I can see now I am hurting them without knowing it. When you find out that friends of yours invited your psuedo-boyfriend for Easter and not you, that hurts. I can see more and more that I am not being included with people in social gatherings. I am assuming (I hate using that word), I am a downer.

Last night, I also talked to the pastor back home in South Dakota. Okay, I am a member of the United Church of Christ. Along with the Quakers, they were the first organized relgions to say that homosexuality is as much as a sin as being left handed. God created you the way you are. Anyway, we talked for almost an hour and I told her about how I am feeling. She did agree that medication is a wonderful idea. She did tell me I should explore my spirituality and check out some churches to be in touch with God. The pastor is super wonderful about gay rights and issues and has no qualms about gay people getting married. So, it's nice to talk to someone who feels that way in South Dakota. We did talk about my Mom. My Mom has come a long way since I came out to her, but there are times when I wonder where on God's green Earth is she coming from with her ideas. I don't get it. I love my family, but sometimes they drive me up the wall.

Psuedo-boyfriend and I talked last night. He's proud of me and he can tell a difference in me already. I'm glad. We talked about his upcoming court date and for the first time, I heard him sound scared and, being the person I am, I am worried. I love him and, if I could, I would take his place in court, so he wouldn't have to go through it. I know, right now, I have to take care of me and worry about me, but Psuedo-boyfriend is someone I really do worry. He says he'll call me when he is down and I hope he does. I hate it when he tries to be mysterious. I call it stupidity. He doesn't need to be mysterious to me. He just has to be Psuedo-boyfriend with all dimensions. I don't go for mysterious. It's too much work.

That is the funny thing about assumptions. When I am out on the town here in Minneapolis, the impression of me is this fun loving, air headed, slutty party boy. I use and abuse. The funny thing is ... it's an impression that's lasted for five years & at a brief moment in time, it was. I've changed and it's sad only a handful see it. When people do get to know me, a whole paradigm shift occurs and they get to see the real me. Some do freak out while others are happy to know the real me. I think it's worth it.

2004-04-06T15:53:00.000-05:00

I love my Washington DC sisters. There are four guys I know and I care about who I call my big sisters. I know they care about me, but I hate it when they get upset with me. Two of them think I don't listen to what they say to me. I may act like I am not listening, but I am absorbing what they tell me and think about it on my own later on.

They have expressed I should move to DC and if I did, I know I would be taken care of and my nose would be kept clean. However, I am a stubborn guy. I don't think it would work out.

I wish they knew how important they are in my life. My psuedo-boyfriend wants to meet them. I think may be he can tell them how I am doing since he sees me almost on a daily basis and they do not.

Hopefully, I can see my big sisters soon. I miss them. :(

2004-04-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

I talked to my Mom on how I am feeling. She says that if I find a rock and keep it in my pocket, it signifies that I am not alone and that God and my family are there for me. I actually pray that God would be there. I love my family, but they are not here and see me everyday. It's funny, you know. Many times I've been told, All you need is prayer! Well ... that does help, but you need more than that.

Depression is greedy and unnecessary. Basically, my depression is rooted in low self esteem. Imagine how many times you have someone tell you (friends and family and even a few professors) that you are worthless, unattractive and stupid. You know in your mind and you heart that you are not that at all, but you feel that you are. And it hurts. You believe in what your told. And someone tells you good things about you from people that do care about you like, my psuedo boyfriend (I don't know what to call him), you don't believe them. It's a lie! I am stupid! And then, the people who love you, feel helpless.

I hit rock bottom yesterday. My bike was stolen. I was harrassed at work by my 19 yr old spoiled brat of a co-worker. I threw a pen at him. It was stupid of me to do so, but I just cracked. My psuedo-boyfriend felt hurt that it was stolen since he bought it for me. He also said he lost some trust with me. LOST TRUST??? How can he say that to me when he has a tryst in Los Angeles when we were dating? *sigh* Anyway ... after I got a bike from the garage where i live (there are five extra), I fixed it up and it works like new. So, I guess I am proud of it. Psuedo-boyfriend and I talked a few hours later. We are both bringing each other down. You know, I love him with all my heart. This has not happened to me in years! I am glad it did. We don't want to lose each other.

It's hard to explain our relationship really. You know, when he broke up with me, he told me he is still in love with me. I am with him. I'm so use to hearing someone tell me, I love you, but I am not in love w/ you. This is different. Normally, I start trashing someone when they break up w/ me. I can't with psuedo-boyfriend. If I did, it would hurt me.

So, we are working on our relationship and moving forward. After we talked last night, I cried. I want out of these feelings. I want to scream. I just want to be the guy I know I am and that is trying to emerge. The fun loving, go getter I use to be.

It will happen. I just hope it happens soon.

2004-04-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

Hello. My name is Allen and I am 26 yrs old. I turn 27 on April 19, 2004. I am a gay male and I have depression.

I've been depressed off and on since I was 12 years old. The majority of my depression was dealing with my sexuality. However, the depression I am facing now isn't that.

For the past three years, I have been looking for a quick fix ... since I royally screwed it up in 2001. I stoled $800 worth of merchandise where I use to work and I got caught. I did go to court and paid my dues. Luckily, it was a misdemeanor and not a felony. What I did was wrong and I know it. It knocked the wind out of me and I've carried this guilt ever since. I let down my staff and I haven't been to the store since my incident.

Since then, my car was repoed; many friends have come and gone; I've been in tumultuous relationships; I've done every illegal drug known to man; and yet, somehow, I am still alive.

There are days I wish I wasn't gay or even born.

I feel that I let down my parents and my family. Hell, I was the academic goldenchild for years growing up. I tried my best to live up to that image, but coming out did not help my South Dakota parents. I love them dearly, but, unfortunately, they cannot help me.

Recently, I was in a wonderful relationship with one of my friends. I've always had an admiration for him. Being with him started to bring me out of my rut and I could see me succeeding FINALLY! for once and be happy with who I am. However, he went into his depression and I could not help him. I was helpless and made me feel worse.

Okay, when you are depressed, sometimes, you do selfish things. When I was fired from my job, I cheated on the guy I was seeing by having unsafe sex w/ someone I know and then having unsafe sex with my then boyfriend the next day. That wasn't smart at all. My boyfriend did something selfish. He received oral sex from someone and my boyfriend, the one who said he would call me on his trip, emotionally shut down and shut me out.

A week later, he told me what happened and broke up with me. It still stings. "It's not you, it's me." He still wanted to stay together almost like intimate friends. With how our relationship is, I agreed.

Sunday, he saw me, for the first time, depressed ... and he's helpless. I know that this depression drains me, my family, my "friends" - if I can really call them that. But, I really don't know what I want.

Actually, no. I do know what I want. For once in my life, I want my friends to be there for me this one last time. This is my final battle with depression. I am afraid if I don't take care of this ... I may not be around for my 28th birthday. That scares me.

You know, I emailed my friends I care about what I want for my birthday. My wish was to have them see me instead of me seeing them. Hell, I don't have much $$ at all, but just seeing them in my environment may have them understand how I am doing in my neck of the woods. One friend told me to keep wishing. Hell, if he can go to Miami when he is stressed, he can see my bubble butt here in Minneapolis.

I've spent years taking care of others and I have no idea how to take care of me. None.

I do see a therapist and this new one is really helpful. She is great and we're trying for me to break through my wall of depression.

I just want to function in my normal, daily life. I want a normal career, not a job. I want a relationship where I don't bring people down because of how sad I am. I want a FUCKING boyfriend that doesn't run away when we are both down. LOL :)

I was told I should write a list on my goals ... so here it goes ...

1. Love myself again.
2. Continue with my bodybuilding.
3. Talk to my therapist.
4. Talk to my psuedo ex-boyfriend.
5. See if there are any anti-depressants that could help me and not ruin my sex drive.
6. Write down 5 good things I did everyday.
7. Love myself.
8. Love myself.
9. Love myself.

I guess that is all I am going to write for the moment. I'll write more later.

Allen